So today, this douchebag from Houston, came out with an anti-Shaughnessy column, which they picked up on at CSNNE. So, we are going to go through this column and see what I have to say to this idiot.
Houston we have a problem . . .
A NEEDING-TO-BUY-SUPER-BOWL-TICKETS PROBLEM!
The 2012-13 Houston Texans have been waiting all season for this moment, and their master plan has finally fallen into place. Mark it down, gang: February 3, 2013 — your Houston Texans are headed to New Orleans.
Catch my drift?
I mean, seriously? In the business, we call this a lock. We call this destiny. Only road games against the Patriots and Broncos stand between Houston and their first-ever Super Bowl appearance?
That’s right, Texans fans. Do the hokey pokey and turn yourself around, because that’s what it’s all about. The Promised Land.
Hey Houston, your little man syndrome is hilarious. Wahhh, Shank made fun of us now I am going to write an opposite column to show how dumb and arrogant everyone from Boston is... GO kill youself.
My point is that there’s no chance in hell that the Texans lose to the new-age choke artists on Sunday. The Patriots? Ha! What is this 2005?! NOT. The days of New England coming up big when it matters most are over. Anyone can see that. Do you know what I mean?
The regular season is well and good, my friends. But lately, when the Patriots get to the playoffs, they end up going directly to jail. They don't pass GO. It's not a race. It's not a chase. They don't hurry up and feed their face. They lose. They lost to the Giants, they lost to the Jets, they lost to the Ravens, they lost to the Giants. They've lost four playoffs games in the last five years, and guess what, folks?
They were favored every time.
That means that they will choke again. You dig? You don't need a PHD from Rice to know how predictable sports are. And this one is about as predictable as they come.
What the FUCK is Rice? Is this guy going and bragging about Rice as if anyone thinks Rice is a good school? Dude, it's a fucking college in Texas, if you can read, you can get a fucking PHD. "Yeah, but Cult, it's ranked high." I DONT FUCKING CARE ABOUT RANKINGS. You come into an office with a Rice degree up here and expect a good job they will send you back to Texas so fast you'll fly face first into a cow's asshole on the way. Also, choking when it matters most? Get the fuck out of here. Stop trying to overcompensate for the fact that the Texans have won a wopping two playoff wins in their history (against a ginger QB nonetheless). Yeah it's so embarrassing that Bill was able to rebuild a championship team while going 12-4 every year but not having the team to win the whole thing. EMBARRASSING CHOKING. Sorry. Lost 4 playoff games in the past 5 years? YOU FUCKING WISH YOU HAD LOST 4 PLAYOFF GAMES. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS YOU ASSCLOWN? IT MEANS WE ACTUALLY MADE THE PLAYOFFS FOUR TIMES WHILE YOU WERE ALL SITTING ON YOUR ASSES SMOKING MARB REDS AND MAKING OUT WITH YOUR FUCKING COUSINS.
The Pats don't have a chance.
You feel me?
It's THAT easy.
The Texans are going to win!
This was funny. You are good at making fun of Shank. HAHAHAHA.......
First of all, because Bill Belichick is one of the most fraudulent coaches in NFL history. Let's see how he would have done with David Carr under center, right? I mean, did you see what happened the one year he didn't have Brady? HE DIDN'T EVEN MAKE THE PLAYOFFS. Fraud.
Oh yeah, going 11-5 with a backup QB makes you a fraud. Yep. Considering every sportswriter is saying Matt Cassel is the worst QB in the league, I would say going 11-5 (a record which your franchise has only bested the last two years) with a backup QB in a rebuilding year is pretty fucking legit. In fact, I would say that year was one of the best coaching jobs I have ever seen in any sport. What would Bill do with David Carr under center? NOT DRAFT THAT FUCKING SLOB. That's what the fuck he would do. He would have traded the first pick and grabbed as many picks as he could to make the best team possible. That's what the fuck he'd do.
Oh yeah and can this guy even coach defense anymore? Have you seen the Patriots 'D' this year? I know I haven't (Confession: I fell asleep in the first quarter of that Monday nighter). Still, New England's defense is weaker than a one-sentence paragraph. More useless than a rhetorical question. Seriously, can you imagine anything worse than the Patriots secondary?
Maybe Stevan Ridley. Or as I call him "Mr. Dropsies."
Ridley fumbles every single game. He'll obviously fumble on Sunday. And when he does, I guarantee the Texans recover. This time, I guarantee it's going to be different.
There's no way that the Patriots can contain Arian Foster and JJ Watt again. It's literally impossible. The Pats won't know what hit them. They know they got lucky last time. We all know they did.
This is just bad trolling. I can't even be mad at him for this, because you can tell he so blatantly doesn't agree with anything he is writing here. Also, "Still, New England's defense is weaker than a one-sentence paragraph. More useless than a rhetorical question." is one of the the least funny things ever written by any human being ever. You suck.
This is the match-up the Texans have been waiting for. This is how it was always supposed to go: Lose to the Pats. Then keep losing. Just enough to guarantee a rematch and lure them into a false sense of security. It's the same move the Jets pulled two years ago and you saw how well that worked. THIS IS THE EXACT SAME THING.
The Texans have spent the last month playing dead in the weeds, while the fraudulent Patriots — who haven't won a Super Bowl in eight years, and have a quarterback who's getting older and slower and less effective every week — have predictability spent the time building up false expectations. Am I the only one who sees this?!
Of course not.
It's not even up for debate.
I'm not going to rain on their parade for this one, because this is really all they have to hold onto right? This has to be their one saving grace? We are going to neglect the fact that 2010 was a COMPLETELY different team with nothing near the locker room we have today. That is fine. Houston, you can have this. Live it, breathe it, own it, it's your only chance.
And neither is that fact that after dispatching of the pathetic chokers in New England, the Texans will cruuuuise past the Broncos. Why?
Um, have you forgotten Week 3?
Texans 31, Broncos 25, IN DENVER.
There's now way that kind of regular season dominance doesn't transfer into the playoffs. It always does! The Texans will show up at Mile High and pick up right we're they left off.
But first, they have to make a quick stop in Foxboro.
I'll see you in New Orleans.
Bragging about beating Denver in week 3 is like bragging about beating up a dude with his pants around his ankles. Like yeah, no shit you beat them, they were installing a whole new offense and playing with their pants down. SURPRISE! They weren't ready to play your defense that was basically all returned from last year so you won. Shocker. Also, do the Texans think they still have the same team as the beginning of the year? People have figured out how to play JJ Watt, you pump fake, he jumps, your O-lineman demolishes him while in the air. BOOM, JJ Watt neutralized. Also, you have Matt Schaub, who did everything he could to lose that game in the first half last week, but Andy Dalton just had to one-up his suckitude. Anyway, CONGRATS HOUSTON on your two playoff wins against Cincinnati, it's all you'll be able to muster until 2014.