A quarter of the NFL season is behind us and nearly a third of the fantasy season is already in the books. It is time to face some cold, hard facts my fantasy ballers: Your team sucks.
Now, now, there, there, all is not lost. But, if you’re sitting at 1-3 or 0-4, it may be time to take up fantasy ballroom dancing. Either way, it’s time to rip off a winning streak. It starts this week.
Here are the Week 5 start ‘em and sit ‘ems:
Quarterback: Eli Manning vs. Philadelphia Eagles - Ok, ok, I hear you my fantasy freaks, the Manning not named Peyton has been terrible. But, and it’s a Kardashian-sized BUT, with the Giants season – and possibly your fantasy life - on the line, it’s time to roll the dice. I like the gamble on Eli. Three of the four quarterbacks to face the Eagles this year, RGIII, Phillip Rivers and Peyton Manning, have scored at least 23 fantasy points against the birds D. In three of Manning’s last five games against the Eagles he’s thrown at least four touchdowns. Buy the ticket, take the ride and gamble on Eli. *Note to self: print that on t-shirts, sell to stupid Giants fans, make millions* Fantasy projection: 23 points.
Running Back: Bilal Powell vs. Atlanta Falcons - Despite Mike Goodson returning from suspension, expect Powell to get most of the touches against a Falcons run D that has given up at least nine fantasy points against running backs this year. Powell has three straight games with double digit points and is tied for the AFC lead in rushing. All that is true. Your humble-but-nonetheless-honest Guru wouldn’t lie. Bilal is also Portuguese for “fantasy stud.” Ok, that was a lie. Fantasy projection: 12 points.
Wide Receiver: Hakeem Nicks vs. Philadelphia Eagles – What’s with all the Giants love this week, Guru? Well, disembodied voice of fantasy reader, the Eagles defense can’t stop anyone. The Eagles have let six receivers score double digit fantasy points in four games. If Nicks doesn’t go off this week I’ll retire my turban. I don’t want that stinky thing. Fantasy projection: 14 points.
Tight End: Jared Cook vs. Jacksonville Jaguars - Just what every player in a slump needs – the Jacksonville Jagoffs. The Jags have been getting burned by tight ends this year, giving up three TDs in the last two games. Actually, the Jags have been burned by just about everyone – tight ends, running backs, cheerleaders, mascots, sno-cone salesmen. Fantasy projection: 11 points.
Defense/Special Teams: St Louis Rams vs. Jaguars – Remember what I said about the Jaguars? What do you mean? Scroll up a little. The St. Louis Slam would beat this team. Fantasy projections: 14 points.
Quarterback: Andrew Luck vs. Seattle Seahawks - The ‘Hawks held Cam Newton and Colin Kaepernick to 19 fantasy points – combined. Luck and the Colts offense will need their horseshoe joojoo if they have a chance this week against a Seattle D that has seven picks in their last three games. Fantasy projection: 11 points.
Running Back: Chris Johnson vs. Kansas City Chiefs - CJ2K tweeted this week that he doesn’t care about Fantasy Football. Note to Johnson: We stopped caring about you 14 months ago. Fantasy projections: 8 points.
Wide Receiver: Roddy White vs. New York Jets- White is still limping about on a gimpy ankle. If I told you before the season that Kenbrell Thompkins would be a better fantasy option than Roddy you would have taken me out for a nice seafood dinner and never called me again. Fantasy projection: 6 points
Tight End: Vernon Davis vs. Houston Texans - Hard to sit Davis, but he's battling a hamstring injury and the Texans are actually pretty good against tight ends. With the late night start, the injury uncertainty and my man crush on Jared Cook, Vernon takes a seat. Fantasy projection: 6 points.
Defense/Special Teams: Houston Texans vs. San Francisco 49ers - The Texans rank 18th in fantasy defense so far and travel to San Fran to face Kaepernick, Gore and Boldin. Houston we have a loss. Fantasy projection: 7 points.
Kicker: STOP IT!
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