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With the number of rats jumping from the sinking ship continuing to grow, Bill Belichick's coaching staff is getting smaller by the day.

Already, Emperor Bill has lost 32-year offensive line vet Dante Scarnecchia, 13-year defensive coach Pepper Johnson and tight end's coach George Godsey. Sure going to miss good ol' Godsey. But, don't you fear, Patriots Nation, Matt Patricia and his handy pencil are going nowhere.

However, now that the Pats playoff run has ended, word has come out that offensive coordinator Josh "Who Me" McDaniels is back in the running for the head coaching job no one wants in Cleveland.

That's a lot of spots to fill and the South Dakota School of Mining only has so many coaches they can give up.

With all the changes coming to the coaching staff next season, let's run down a list of possible candidates to join the Bill Belichick coaching tree.



1. Offensive Line: Peter Griffin

Peter Griffin seems the logical choice to join Bill's bunch, he's already a Patriots fan and could drive in from Quahog.

Griffin also possesses all the qualities Belichick loves in a coach: He's enthusiastic, unintelligent and loves Christmas music.







2. Linebackers: Walter Sobchak

For those that don't recognize the name, Sobchak was "The Dudes" bowling buddy and confidante in The Big Lebowski. Walter's "face down in the muck" experiences in Vietnam and his "never-surrender" attitude could help the Pats shell-shocked linebacking corps.

However, keep in mind, Walter doesn't roll on Shabbos!





3. Tight Ends: Jessica Biel

If it's a tight end you want, Jessica it is. You're hired!







4. Assistant Coach: Thomas 
Jonathan Robert Brady Kraft Jr.

Pats owner Robert Kraft's little known grandson Tommy or as the family calls him, TBK, may be just the man for the job. He's already familiar with the "Patriots way."

Tommy could be Belichick's perfect little "yes man" hoodie in waiting. That is if he can get time off from preschool and coaching the New England Revolution.






5. Offensive Coordinator: ???

Okay, Patriots Lifers, in the event - please, Jeebus, please - Josh McDaniels bolts to the Browns, the Pats need someone young, smart, creative, innovative, tough and a proven ability to run this offense.

Emperor Bill, it's time to just hand the keys to the Death Star over to the Jedi in training: Tom Brady.





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The Guru 1/23/2014 02:16:00 AM Edit
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