Over the past several weeks, Deadspin's Drew Magary has been hard at work previewing all 32 NFL teams as part of the "Why Your Team Sucks" series, and as is the case with every year, they never fail to disappoint.
Today just so happened to be the New England Patriots' installment, and it's about as glorious as you could expect. It's not often that references to Deflategate, Donald Trump and Stranger Things could be tied together in the same article, but a way has been found.
Here are just a few nuggets from the Pats' preview:
Anyway, along with making questionable situational decisions on fourth down against Denver, you might also remember that Belichick elected to kick off in overtime against the New York Jets, a mistake even the Jets somehow managed to capitalize upon. He also staged a breathtakingly stupid drop kick against Philly, which helped spur a comeback by an Eagles team that had already given up on their coach. And he gave the Dementor’s Kiss to a female ref. Quite a year.
Yes, Belichick is free to skirt conventional wisdom and make unorthodox decisions—like, say, drafting Ras-I Dowling—once in a while. But God forbid you ever question his savvy in those moments. God forbid you challenge Grumpmaster Flash on proper football strategy, or question his ethics when other teams accuse him of planting bugs in the locker room, and installing buggy headsets for the visiting team, and gluing your accelerator pedal to the floor. HOW DARE YOU QUESTION THE MOTIVES OF THIS HIGHLY SECRETIVE MAN? He’ll spit in your eye if you do, and these fans will eat it up.
By now, you know that Brady had his four-game Ballghazi suspension reinstated and finally dropped his appeal. Your temporary replacement QB is softcore-porn-movie-pizza-boy Jimmy Garoppolo. If he wins all four of these suspension games and posts a 100 QB rating in September, half of all WEEI listeners will forget they even knew Brady.
Also, Brady sliced his thumb this summer. Translated from Patriots-ese, that means his hand was fully severed. And Chandler Jones was traded away after smoking fake weed and turning up shirtless in a police station. If Gronk had done this, Boston Twitter would have made a fucking shirt to commemorate it.
Of course, it wouldn't be a Why Your Team Sucks preview without several fans weighing in as well. Like this one:
Since his arrival into the NBA, I’ve had a burning hatred for LeBron James. I hated every series where he played the Celtics, especially when the C’s Big Three could no longer keep up with him once he joined the Heat, and hated everything that he represented. I’ve never hated one singular athlete more than I hated LeBron. Yet, this year, I spent the entire NBA Final cheering him on because it would make the 18-1 season look a little better if the Warriors lost after being down 3-1 and setting the record for most wins in a season.