Rob Gronkowski looks thin? No, he looks lean

AP Photo/Steven Senne

A lot has been said about Tom Brady getting Gronk to switch over to his diet this offseason following Gronk’s 8 billionth surgery as a Patriot. (number is approximate)

A reporter asked Gronk if he feels leaner and the hulking tight end was happy to report his positive results. "I mean, a lot of people say I'm skinnier. So I guess I'm leaner. I'll take it though. I like it. I feel leaner. So yeah, I guess I am. I'll take it, yeah. Leaner and meaner. I'm just being nice right now."

I had two thoughts when I heard Gronk was on the avocado ice cream train. One, can he still get cranked up? Obviously yes, like anyone could stop that. But the deal is now there are consequences. For any alcoholic beverage that he shotguns he has to drink three glasses of water. I can get down with this, there are consequences to everything. When I order $40 worth of general gau’s chicken at 3am on the way home from the bars on Friday night I know I should probably hit the treadmill at some point on Saturday. The only thing that sucks is that’s a looooot of water when you’re at the club. I hope it means Gronk can just chug a full gallon when he gets home, cause if he has to order three glasses of high quality H2O with every BL smooth we’ve got a problem. He’s gonna be spending the entire night grinding the urinal instead of college aged co-eds.

My second thought was I hope Tom is less concerned with Gronk’s cholesterol levels and more concerned with keeping this match-up nightmare on the field. We hear Tom talking all the time about his resistance band training and his PLIABILITY. Tom can eat whatever the hell he wants as long as it means hes my quarterback for the next 5 years. So I was very pleased when I saw this quote. "I haven't lost a single pound. But my body is working more efficiently. Everyone thinks I'm skinnier," Gronk said with a smile. "I feel looser. I feel my mobility has increased a lot. I feel way more pliable."

 
There's that word again. PLIABLE!!! I need Gronk’s body to become a Stretch Armstrong. I need to be able to bend and twist and pull every limb on that frame and have him just elastic himself back to normal. With the death of #11, I need a healthy Gronk like I need a full bottle of Tums every Sunday night. That is to say, very badly. If that requires Gronk going full plant based vegan, then where do I sign up to be his gardener?