There will be no farewell tour when Tom Brady retires
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| CBS Local |
The first thing he says is that Brady won't have a farewell tour when he retires. DUH, bro. It was a sad, sad day for America when Derek Jeter invented the farewell tour retirement. His 'me first' attitude was on full display when he made the entire baseball world come to a halt every time he stepped on a diamond for a full season. Perhaps he hoped all the pomp and circumstance would distract everyone from his .256 batting average or the fact that he couldn't field a ground ball that wasn't hit directly up his asshole. Perhaps he thought he was bigger than the game (the game which gave him everything). Perhaps he thought he's even a top five Yankee of all time, let alone baseball player. (Spoiler alert! He isn't) Perhaps he's just a bad guy. Whatever the reason, it's a damn shame we didn't nip this in the bud when we could.
Now, it's all the rage. Everyone and their brother is announcing their retirement from the rooftops as early as possible to maximize the coverage they can get. I think Chipper Jones might have said he was retiring at the end of the following year. It's a joke. I'm well aware that our beloved Big Papi pulled this very same stunt, and I don't mean to talk ill of him ever, but I wasn't pleased with that performance. Especially after he said publicly that he would never do something like that. Felt like a strange move to then go ahead and, ya know, do exactly that.
But not my boy Tommy. He would never, and I mean never, put himself ahead of the team. He spends his time before the games running with resistance bands and getting laser focused. He's gotta play tougher. Gotta play harder. Harder, tougher, everything. Can you imagine for one second if he had to go out to midfield before the coin toss to receive some half-assed gift from the team he is going to be trying to ether in about 5 minutes??
And what would these gifts be? People try to get creative. Ortiz got a phone he smashed in the Baltimore dugout from the Orioles. Rivera got a chair made out of all the bats he broke on the Twins. (blatant lie) So do the Steelers give Tom a headset that they think we rigged to ruin their play calling? Or do the Colts give him the air pumps they used to illegally deflate balls on their own sideline in an attempt to frame us? Then the Ravens can give him a copy of the rule book that's missing all the legal plays we've used that are now gone due to other team's crying. Everyone hates us and Tom hates them right back. They don't want to give him gifts. He doesn't want their gifts. And neither do I. Tom already has a farewell tour planned, it's the 19 games he's going to rip down the throats of the league on the way to his final bowl. That much I know for a certainty.
But I've really buried the lead here because the best part of the video is what Florio said next about Tom. That he wouldn't be surprised if Giselle made Tom quit football after this season.
OhhhhhKaaaaaay dude. Whatever you say. Tom Brady quits after this year. Sure he does. This is the same Tom Brady who said he doesn't have a life and a career, his career is his life. The same dude that says he's going to play til he sucks, and was the preseason favorite to win the MVP and Super Bowl. The same dude that has said more times than I can count that he will play until his mid 40s. The same dude that eats made up space food just to keep his body at peak performance to play football. He's quitting this year. I'll pencil that in. In the meantime, I have this bridge to sell you.
If Tom quits football after winning the bowl this year I will eat my own butt.
PS I am NOT going handle Tom's eventual retirement well
