Three things I need

Welcome boys and girls to our latest segment. This is where you’ll be forced to listen to me piss and moan about the things that I’ve been obsessing about all week, and I borderline need a doctor’s note for these things to come true on Sunday.

We’re 2-1, Tom looks great, Cookie is alive, and the Gronk healthy meter is up to 3 weeks in a row. Fucking miracle. That said, there’s a few things I’m gonna NEED for this game. Let’s rock.

Number 1. I’m gonna need some better O-Line play. To be honest in week 1 I actually didn’t realize how bad they were. There were some plays where Tom seemed to have his time and stick in the pocket. It’s clear that I have was just starry eyed about seeing Tom’s chiseled jaw for the first time after a long summer, because looking back at the tape it's not a good look for the O-line. Through 3 games, Tom has been sacked TEN. Against Houston alone he was brought down 5 times including 3 fumbles, one of which resulted in a turnover and touchdown. Luckily the refs ruled that one a fumble instead of a pick, so Tom’s TD/INT ratio stays clean. But gol-LEE that is not great.

This season Tom has been hit more times in 3 games than any season since 2006. This guy is our cherished possession here and we’re letting people treat him like Zeke Elliot’s girlfriends. I’m indebted to Scarnecchia forever after coming out of retirement and saving the O-Line after the debacle that was the AFCCG against Denver, but I’m gonna need him to get the boys’ shit together. Right now Nate Solder and LaAdrian Waddle look like a fucking fidget spinner and a lazy Susan trying to project TB12. Last time I checked this wasn’t how you play offensive line.


Number 2. Where the $*&#%@ is David Harris?? I mean seriously. After Cooks and Gilmore, he was our biggest addition this offseason and he’s a god damn corpse. Before looking it up, I couldn’t even tell you what number the guy wears. He’s gotten less screen time than the fucking Dr. Pepper guy.

So far this season David Harris has been on the field for 2 snaps. TWO. Are you shitting me?? David Harris played 15 games last season for the Jets and logged 899 snaps. The only person to have more on the entire team was Darrelle Revis’s ghost at 922. At the middle linebacker position, that means you are THE guy. The green dot patrolling the field. I though this asshole was going to be a monster for us. Sure he was coming from the Jets, but I imagined he would at least be a work horse behind Hightower. I figured his presence would allow High to go for the QB more and hover on the edge.

Apparently I was wrong, because after three weeks we’ve seen more Belichick smiles than David Harris appearances. It’s so shocking I’m not even sure what to think about it. Are we saving him for some reason? Did Bill actually kill him during preseason, and now we just have some stand-in wearing his jersey on the sideline so people won’t get suspicious?? Honest to god that’s more reasonable to me that David Harris being an unplayable bum who can’t hold my sperm sample. At the moment that seems to be the reality.

Number 3. I need Gilly to have his breakout day. Don’t get me wrong. He’s been totally fine so far. 4 tuddies through 3 games. He seems to pack a punch in the goal line offense. I just need to know that he possesses the ability to run wild if and when we need it. We haven’t seen that at all yet, and his abysmal attempts at converting 3rd and short makes me want to put a rifle in my mouth, and make sure Gilly is standing behind me when I do it.

Currently Mikey G is rushing at 48.3 yards a game, and 3.2 yards per carry. That’s a big ole’ bucket of yuck. If you can’t get me a first a down in 3 carries then it’s time for Pa to take your bitch ass out to pasture. The frustrating thing of it is that I know he’s better than this. This isn’t reminiscent of the days when Lawrence Maroney was tap dancing behind the line like a blind man trying to find his hole. Gilly has talent and explosiveness. I’m chalking this slow start up to jitters.

On Sunday I literally need a game where he can’t be tackled. As much as I love Tom chucking the ball, and I desperately want him to get that MVP, I don’t need him throwing the ball 50 times a game every week because we can’t run. It makes the offense one dimensional and inevitably leads to Tom getting hit. Give me one of those games where Gilly gets the rock 20 times and rattles off 125 yards. Pounding defenders and making them miss. And then give me one of those sweet sweet runs that busts outside for 40. I need this, and Gilly needs it too. Because one more week of this soft serve bullshit and I would rather let Burkhead and Didi get the touches.

Oh and also, Gilly…Fail to convert one more 3rd and short…I dare you. See what happens.