Three things I need - Week 5

Live look at me going into Thursday night

I’m there. Sorry I’m not sorry, but this guy is having a full-fledged melt down. The defense is a massive issue, and with a short week going against a high-powered offense, I’m having a hard time feeling comfortable. Let’s get right down to what this crack addict needs.

NUMBER 1. I need a win. That might sound like a cop out. But I actually need it for my mental well-being. I’ll literally do anything for it.

If the Pats lose this game, it will be the first time they’ve had a losing record through 5 weeks since 2001. Wrap your head around that for a hot second. This will be the first time Patriots fans and Lord Tom Brady will be looking at 2-3 in WELL over a decade. That is a something that I honestly cannot have. This team needs to dig down as deep as humanly possible and get a W. I don’t care how they get it. I don’t care if they win 3-0 and Tom has 100 yards and no touchdowns (No picks though.) I will take the win, and I will head into the faux bye week.

There’s no way to spin zone the situation. The Pats are spiraling a little bit. The peanut gallery is chirping, and the insufferable ass hats like 2014 Trent Dilfer are dusting off their tap shoes to dance on Brady and Belichick’s graves. Nothing new, but for the first time in a long time, this defense has even the most confident defenders of the wall a little rattled. So, I’m gonna need the boys to go take care of business, and then use the long week of rest to get the train back on the tracks.

NUMBER 2. I need the blown coverage to stop. I just can’t take it anymore. Word on the Schefty/Rapp Sheet street is that Gilmore is questionable and might not play. News flash: GOOD. Don’t care! Put Malcolm back at the 1 where he belongs and then maybe the opposing wideouts won’t treat our secondary like a nude beach. I know that 4 days wasn’t enough to fix the travesty that is the Patriots DB coverage, but I at least need them to stop the monstrous pass plays that are a result of the secondary apparently trying to speak Dothraki to each other.

At the end of the day I feel like I’m not asking for much. You would think that not letting guys like Mike Evans and DeSean Jackson run around uncovered would be a priority on the defense… So far this season you would be surprised.

NUMBER 3. Sacks. God damnit do I need sacks. To be honest, I actually don’t think the front 7 has been as weak so far this season as they have been in the past. I’ve also got a big meaty chub for my BOY Trey Flowers and Deatrich Wise Jr (DWJ). I think those two are going to be a very feared duo in the NFL for many years. That said, we are presented with a problem that has been haunting Patriots fan’s nightmares since the 2007 bowl. Pursuing…a scrambling…quarterback.


It’s possibly the most infuriating thing in my entire life. Every single year I have to watch this team over pursue and guess wrong while trying to sack opposing QBs. It’s like watching hillbillies trying to catch a greased pig. They dive in the wrong direction, trip on their own feet, or just kind of grab onto a jersey only to watch the QB escape. And then what happens?? Literally every fucking time??? The QB emerges from what should have been about 7 different sacks, escaping more deaths than Harry and Marv from Home Alone, and then he completes a massive pass down filed and drives a stake through our hearts.

You can see it now. It’s 3rd and 12 on the Tampa 30 as Winston takes the snap. Jameis feels pressure from Alan Branch…Spins out of trouble right into the pursuit of Flowers… Flowers lunges the wrong way…Winston stumbles! But he’s still up!! He scrambles outside but Elandon Roberts is there! Winston pump fakes and Roberts bites it! He flies right past the QB who puts on the breaks…Winston lets it fly….And there’s DeSean Jackson WIDE OPEN down field for a gain of 45 yards and a first down!!!!!

For the love of all things holy, please no plays like that. Let’s get Jameis down on the ground 3 times tonight. Please. I’m asking nicely.