Three things I need: Week 7

This game is going to be a shit show. We just barely squeaked by the God damn Jets by 7 points and a technicality pulled from so far inside the ref's asshole that it still had his lunch on it. I just get the feeling that we haven’t quite figured out the problems of this team yet. I’ve said it before on the blog…I haven’t enjoyed a single game so far this season. They’ve all been torture. This one is shaping up to be a water boarding. Here we go…


NUMBER 1. I need Tom to escape this one alive. It’s been a couple games in a row of not so great performances from the one true king. The prospect of a third in a row is enough to get the blood boiling. You know the season is like inserting needles into your cock when you have to worry about that AND the impending bludgeoning that awaits Tom.

The Falcons have one of the youngest and fastest defenses in the league. They sacked Tom 5 times in the super bowl. They hurried him and they hit him a record amount of times. With the Patriots offensive line currently trying to play while on roller skates, I don’t feel awesome about Tom’s comfort level in this game. We’re gonna need TB12’s guru on the sideline pumping avocados into his blood stream after every series to keep him from falling apart.


NUMBER 2. Touchdowns. I need them. I need them as bad as Bran Stark needs that Charles Xaiver drug from Days of Future Past. (They can bring people back from the dead, ice dragons are shooting blue flames, and no magic exists in all of the world to give the kid his legs back?? Fuck off) Field goals are not gonna cut it in this one. I could see this game being a bit of a shootout, and our drives stalling in the red area the last 2 weeks are going to get us into serious trouble.

Speaking of which. What in the flying fuck is going on in the red area? It’s infuriating watching Tom stand in the pocket bouncing around and then forcing balls to Gronk. I refuse to believe that guys with quickness like Cookie and Dola can’t get open. And while we’re on the Subject. Hey, Dwayne Allen…

My GOD. This guy is about as useful as a poop flavored lollipop. After the unmitigated success the Patriots have had in the past with using a 2 TE set, I find it a little more than interesting that this year we seem to have brought in a man who seems to know as much about catching footballs as Harvey Weinstein knows about taking care of plants. What were you even hired for Dwayne?? Blocking? Because there are shit heads spinning the buy one get one free sign at Quizno’s that can do that job. 

NUMBER 3. I need us to control Devonta Freeman. He’s coming off of a bit of a low week against Miami, getting just 9 carries for 68 yards. Despite that, Freeman is without a doubt an explosive player. He is dangerous on the ground and catching passes.

I foresee a great amount of the defensive attention focusing on shutting down Julio. So that leaves a lot of ways for Freeman to hurt us. The last thing I need is to watch the classic over pursuit of Matty Ice, so he can dump the ball off to Freeman for a gain of 35. Or even worse, the dreaded wheel route up the sideline that leaves Elandon Roberts looking like Sarah Connor clinging to the chain link fence. Have someone spying him all game, and monitor the bleeding.

God damn it this game is gonna suck.