Tom Brady reveals the four ways to make Bill Belichick smile

Boston Herald
Opening night festivities for Super Bowl LII (weren't we suppose to ditch the Roman numerals by now??) have come and gone, and per usual there are always some quirky side stories left in its wake.

Bill Belichick isn't know for his rosy disposition most of the time. He spends 90% of his media sessions staring absolute daggers through reporters who ask questions that he deems stupid. The range of "stupid" questions is wide. From "is the quarterback position going to be evaluated" to "how's it going coach?" No man is safe if you dare step up to the mic and ask the Hooded One his thoughts. The other 10% of his media sessions he spends making jokes about social media by intentionally calling them the wrong name. He will think this is funny for the rest of time. So will I.

Even when they show SoundFX clips of Pats game Bill refuses to show any joy on the sideline. They will dub the play by play of a Patriots tuddy over reactions shots of the sideline. When Dola hauls in another grab the bench goes wild and Bill stands there with his arms crossed, fuming over some part of the play that wasn't executed perfectly. This makes perfect sense to me. Bill expects us to get stops on D and he expects us to score on O. When we don't do those things he gets mad. When we do do those things he can't feel joy. We simply did our job, and you don't get high fives for that. When I open up my laptop and hit the power button I don't fist pump that it turned on. No shit it turned on. So when Gronk is running nude up the seam and Tom hits him for a tuddy Bill can only muster a "no shit" reaction and I respect him for it.

At media day Tom was asked what are the ways you actually can make Bill smile. He had four things to say. Navy, Lacrosse, Bon Jovi, and Lawrence Taylor. These are pretty good answers. We all know Bill's dad served in the Navy and then coached there. Bill has a ton of respect for all things military. Bill was the senior captain on the Wesleyan University lacrosse team and his daughter coaches the women's team at Holy Cross. Bill toured with Bon Jovi across Europe in 1995, and JBJ is a regular at Pats games up in the box with RKK. And Bill consistently calls LT the best defensive player he's ever coached.  Over at Bill's booth last night when it was relayed to him that Tom said these things would make the coach smile, we got the expected result. Bill flashed some pearly whites and the crowd ate it up.

However, I think Tom missed a few. These things might not make Bill smile in public, but when he pours himself a scotch in the film room and dims the lights and these things cross his mind, I bet you see the corner of his lips turn up. So to help out my great friend and confidant Tom Brady, I will round out the top 10 ways to make Bill Belichick smile.

5) Winning the field position battle
6) Creating red area turnovers
7) Ball security
8) Trading draft picks for more draft picks
9) Renaming his boat
10) Watching a promising young Jedi master succumb to the dark side while the hate flows through him