I am having a horrible day. It's Monday. The Pat got dummied by the Jags on Sunday. I'm exhausted and still hungover. A friend of mine got married this weekend. I know wedding days aren't about him, they're about her, and I would happily go to the ends of the earth to be there for this guy, but allow me to shout out to fall weddings real quick. Uhhhh my boy Flip has THE U minus 11 on Saturday at noon, so what do you mean we have to go take pictures??? And oh uhhh the Pats kick off for an AFCCG rematch at 435pm, so what do you mean I have to leave my boozy brunch with a million flat screens and get on a plane to go home???
If we're being completely honest with each other, I'm the one who booked that flight at that time. Hand up, that's on me. But I did look at the schedule. And I did check with the boys to see if everyone was hanging around in town long enough to watch the game. They weren't. So either I hang by myself, watch the game alone, and get home at 2am. Not ideal. Or I get on an early flight Sunday morning to make sure I'm back in time for the game, which means I party all night after the wedding and have to go straight to the airport. NO CHANCE. Shout out again to Flip who did just that. Or the option I took, book my flight right at kickoff. I figured it's a JetBlue flight. I will watch the entire game during the flight on my personal tv. Plus I'm Mosaic (nbd...kdb) which means I get free drinks all flight. So I get to hustle side vodkies for free.99 while Tommy boy reminds Jalen Ramsey that you should always keep your mouth shut. What a dream.
Well, after getting very drunk at brunch I got to the airport, boarded my plane first, (again, nbd...kbd) and got ready for the game. Then the plane was having some technical difficulties. So we chilled on the runway for easily 45 minutes. I still hadn't missed kick off, that wasn't the problem. The issue was I had now been without a drink for pushing 2 hours, after a wild night and morning, and the hangover was finally arriving with a vengeance. When we eventually got in the air, the pilot announces that all the channels are coming in except cbs. SWEET. Now I'm paying for in-flight internet trying to get the fucking gamecast to work on my iPhone, which is so old I have to delete 3 apps just to take a picture, ready to do hand stuff in the bathroom in exchange for some Titos.
Meanwhile my phone is blowing up with texts from all the boys who are home already who are absolutely raging because the Pats are getting demolished. I'm hard pressed to recall a time I have been so miserable. They did a hard reset on the TVs during halftime and got them working. The drink cart finally arrived, the flight attendants were on point, and my headache disappeared. I watched all of quarters two and three with a nice buzz. But none of that could fix the dumpster fire that was the Pats performance.
Sorry for the 8,000 word preamble. I jsut wanted to put you in the same head space as me and justify why I barely know what happened in this game.
One of my boys said it best, I miss the days when an opposing db would talk shit about us and then Tom would throw double pass bombs over his head to Jabar Gaffney, run down the field and beak in his face. So do I my man, so do I. I thought this would be a tough game, but with the bulletin board material they were giving us I was positive that would be enough to push us over the top.
Sometimes when teams take away Gronk like this I think to myself, that should be possible. It's what we hang our hat on. Don't let someone's best option beat you. It actually confuses me how other teams can't do it more effectively. But then I think about Nuke last week, who felt like he did nothing but still got his yards. And Gronk is more unguardable than Nuke. He should never be this quiet. On my list of reasons we lost, Gronk is damn near the bottom, but I don't think he should ever be as quiet as he was on Sunday.
I hated pretty much everything about the defense. I'm not in a panic, but I don't get it. To me it seems we have the same D we had last year, except we got HIGH back, we've added pass rushers, and we only lost Malcolm Butler who apparently is the worst corner back in the league.
Through two weeks, Malcolm Butler -- the cornerback who was infamously benched in the Super Bowl last year -- has been targeted 17 times while surrendering 257 yards (most in NFL) and three TDs (most in NFL) when in coverage.
So how come Jags receivers are nude all over the field on every play? Is Eric Rowe pretty good? Or is he unplayable?? He was benched for J-Mac who "rated higher than Butler" last year, but doesn't seem to have any idea what he's doing. Even studs were nowhere. There were a few plays where we sent pressure, and the extra rushers had free lanes to Bortles so he had to throw it instantly, but then there is Dev 4 yards off his receiver for an easy third down pick up. We're sending blitzers!!! Get on your man! What about the few times High was caught in coverage in the middle of the field. When I show up back home at Thanksgiving and we do our annual Turkey Bowl game with some current high school kids, it makes sense to me that it looks like I'm wearing ankle weights when I'm trying to run them down. It does not make sense to me seeing HIGH running as fast as I do with a belly full of cranberry sauce.
Where was the pass rush?? I know Bortles has that crazy rushing stat, where he has the most yards per rush or some nonsense, but he is not DeShaun Watson. If we were able to bring pressure while also containing him, then we sure as hell should be able to do it to Blake. You can't just do one. As a great singer/songwriter once said, if you can penetrate deeply and stimulate the clitoris simultaneous, that's what you've gotta do, and if you can involve the anus that's absolute perfection. Instead we've got Adrian Clayborn pinning his ears back and flying by the quarterback like we've always preached NOT to do while Blake sashayed through the gigantic hole where our DEs are supposed to be for third down pick up after third down pick.
None of this was helped by the fact that MY BOY Trey Flowers took a knee through the dome that almost knocked me out from 3,000 miles away. Times like those I feel like you can skip the concussion protocol and just declare him brain dead. Lets pray to the old gods and the new that he can remember the alphabet by Wednesday because, WOOF, the pass rush looked bad without Trey eating double teams.
I also heard Bentley sucked in coverage. This was the big fear in the preseason but his play was proving the haters wrong. He looked like a steal in week 1, moving sideline to sideline with ease. The plane technical difficulties cost me the most egregious plays Bentley made, but I'm hoping he isn't turning into a pumpkin just in time for Halloween.
The coaches must really love Sony Michel too. I might never get over the fact that we blew a first round pick on a running back in 2018, and I've never wanted to be wrong more than I am about this, but I already hate this kid. I don't get it. If the PATRIOTS of all people are going to spend draft capital on the position you better be the second coming of Barry Sanders. He's been a ghost all preseason so it's hard to know what he has, and his knee is just getting back to form, but I didn't see much. He made a few people miss, I guess? But does that justify handing him the ball on three straight plays, taking the HOV lane on the way to a three and out? I'm afraid not.
There were other crazy play calling decisions I thought too. I can recall at least two runs on third and 5. RUNS. TWICE. TWO TIMES. Maaaaaybe Tom checked into them? But it didn't look that way. When you have the best quarterback to ever live I would say maybe let him throw the ball on gotta have it third downs. Or there was a bomb to Flip Dorsett up the right sideline on a third and five. Was that really the best option?? And where was the aggressive attitude? Punting on 4th and inches. Settling for FGs. Bill explained all of them, and I understand the math and clock management, but I don't get it from a momentum stand point.
The FG I'm talking about came right after I believe the Jags fumble. We had it deep in their end, facing a third and three. We lost three yards, fourth and 6, and had to settle for the chip shot. How did we lose three yards you ask? Oh, we simply threw a screen pass to Patterson who had one man to beat in the open field, ya know, THE ONLY THING he claims to be good at, and he literally fell over backwards onto his ass as he caught the ball and lost three yards. This dude can't get off my team fast enough. Especially if he's going to continue to take balls out of the endzone from eight yards deep on kick offs and then run them back to our 18.
Even though we decided to play the most passive game ever, the Jags did the exact opposite. And it won them the game. They stayed on the gas pedal even as the momentum started to shift and let Blake keeping throwing. I only bring that up because this is exactly what the Falcons did to us in the Super Bowl, but since they didn't execute their plays everyone killed them for being aggressive. That's what I love about football. The Falcons were too aggressive and it cost them! You gotta just run it and burn clock! Next year the Jags are up big and starting running. They lose. The Jags got too passive, you gotta keep your foot on the gas against the Pats! Listen, there is no answer. You have to play 60 minutes of good football to beat us. They did that Sunday.
I know I said last week I'll excuse fumbles by the qb more than I will excuse picks. I literally vomit every time Tom throws a pick. So I was glad to see him keep the ball clean in the air against a very good secondary. But holy shit I still have PTSD on strip sacks. When we picked off Bortles I was one hundo p positive we were going to win that game. Like no doubt in mind. Then Waddle turned into a human turnstile and Tom didn't have a chance. Hey Marcus Cannon, WHERE ARE YOU.
I was begging for the Pats to sign Dez. Then the Bills cut Corey Coleman. I said at least get him. We did. Then I said go get Dez anyway! Then the Browns were about to cut Josh Gordon. I said at least trade for him. We did. Now I say go get Dez anyway! I'm not even kidding. Bring in the cavalry. Go full 2007. I want Dez and Josh and Jules and Gronk and Hoags, and dare I say Flip?? (Coleman cut, otherwise I would say him too) We must really hate Dez because I can't believe we're down to take some of these shots and he hasn't been on our phone sheet yet. But count me among the people who are officially pumped to have a 27 year old specimen lining up at wideout for Tom the rest of the year. Feed that man his tuddies.
Here's what I want to do. It was 97 degrees. It was on the road against a good team. It was September football without Jules and with two of our best defenders lost mid game to dementia. Lets take the memory of this game, put it in a bin, and