Drunken Ramblings week 4: Patriots vs Dolphins

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The last time I saw the Dolphins get pounded that badly Ray Finkle had stolen Snowflake. And boy did that go down like a mini marshamellowed hot chocolate on a cold December night. As everyone has been saying for the last week, rarely have the Pats NEEDED a win so badly in September. I promised not to stress about this team until Halloween, but 1-3, looking up at the 4-0 Dolphins, was not how I wanted to spend the first weekend of fall.

As you all know, I die a little inside every time Tom throws a pick. Literally years coming off the end of my life. And good, because who wants to be alive when I'm being spoon fed applesauce and steadily ignored by the younger generations of my family. But still I'd rather live forever than watch Tom throw one more interception. The Dolphins secondary is apparently no joke, as they lead the league in takeaways, but I still expected Tom to take care of the ball. When he threw one early I almost vomited. Not only was it a pick, but also after the stalled opening drive it felt like another shitty day for the offense. Needless to say we figured it out, but at the time I was in a state of true misery.

I was out of town this weekend, so when the game became a blowout the CBS local feed switched to the Falcons v Bengals game. We instantly ran out of the house to the closest bar with Sunday ticket and watched the rest of the 4th quarter. I saw Sony punch one in to make it 38-0 right before the switch. When I got to the bar it was still 38-0 and the Dolphins had the ball, marching to score their only tuddy. After the game I lamented to my boy that Tom threw a pick. He already passed his season allotment last week, so this is unacceptable. And he said he threw another one. I said.....what? I check the box score on my phone and my heart drops through my stomach all the way to floor. Tom - you're telling me you were intercepted TWICE!??!?!?!

Are you SHITTING me?!?! I can't do this for much longer guys. Four picks through four weeks. What's he gonna do, throw 16 picks this year?? If he throws double digits I don't know what I'll do. I know matter can't be created or destroyed, so my body might just become a gaseous state and then I will diffuse into the atmosphere. I feel like Tom doesn't appreciate what he's doing to me. Yes, he's winning games. But AT WHAT COST?? I feel like a captured Jack Sparrow as my crew fights to save me.


There were a lot of positives from Sunday, which is a nice change from recent weeks. Sony Michel looked like a good running back. I've said countless times already I'm out on this kid. I was not saying he's a #BUST. I'm just saying I was not on board feeding him the ball two out of every three snaps like he's early 2000s Priest Holmes when I have the greatest quarter back since Junior Floyd on my roster. But credit where credit is due. The PlayStation took 25 carries for 112 yards and a tuddy. He got the yards blocked for him, a Bill MUST. He made people miss in space. He broke tackles. He was decisive when he had to be and patient when he had to be. It was an incredibly encouraging performance considering how thin we are at the position and how much balance it gives the offense.

That is not say I understand why we took a running back in the first round of the 2018 NFL draft when there are Jonas Grays out there shoveling asphalt who can run for 200 yards and 4 tuddies with the right blocking. At least he's on a rookie contract, which is keeping me from doing the math on what percentage of our salary cap is being eaten up by each run for no gain on 3rd and 1. But I'm no longer "out" on this kid, I just have him in the "don't buy" category.

If Tom Brady calls you a play maker and demands you get the football in your hands more often, what do you think happens? James Wiggle White aka Sweet Feet aka Sweet Greg had a team high 10 targets. He turned that into a team high 8 catches for a team high 68 yards and a tuddy. He also had 8 carries for 44 yards and a tuddy. Loyal readers will know that I've always been an anti second contract for these pass catching third down backs. The incomparable Kevin Faulk handed the reigns to Danny Woodhead, who handed them to Sugar Shane Vereen, who handed them to Wiggle. I was a big, huge, massive, DJ Foster guy. The undrafted kid out of Arizona. Fitted him for a red jacket as soon as he cried on the phone with his grandmother. I wanted Wiggle gone and DJ Foster to next man up himself into folk hero status. Instead we extended Wiggle and sent DJ packing. It was the right call.

The tuddy catch was really a thing of beauty from an under duress Tom, who dropped the ball into a hula hoop in the back corner of the endzone despite the fact that his body was at a 45 degree angle when he released the ball. But that doesn't take away from the trust Tom has in Wiggle to make that throw. And the rushing tuddy was a great read, with Wiggle reversing field and actually murdering Robert Quinn. He's dead. The funeral will be head Wednesday of this week, and in lieu of flowers the family is asking you send jock straps to local youth centers. Quinn intended to donate his but Wiggle removed it from his body at the time of death.

Flip Dorsett is the picture of what perseverance can bring you. He had a solid game, making a great hands catch on his tuddy. He will have more solid games this year, to go along with a healthy dose of duds. Especially once Jules is back and Gordon continues to be integrated. Just being real here. But the thing that can't be denied is the fact that Tom likes Flip. He believes in him. He TRUSTS him. And none of us can ever take that away from him. I would trade all the sex I will have for the rest of my natural born life to have Tom look at me and know for a certainty that I'll be where he wants me to be when he wants me to be there.

And that's not the only guy Tom is giving that look to! Josh Gordon is in the building and he's here to stay. I guessed he wouldn't be targeted if he played. Well he played 18 snaps and was thrown to 3 times, though one didn't count since it was an offsides penalty. But he made a great snag in traffic on his first third down catch, and broke a few tackles on his second third down catch. Exciting, yes. Encouraging, sure. But nothing compared to this quote.

"I don't feel like I had to worry about where he was lining up or what he was running," Brady said on WEEI. "He was super confident. I could tell in his eyes he knew what he was doing. He's just been great since he came in. Hopefully we can keep it going and build on it."

Baby don't stop. I'm close. If Tom and Gordo can lock in together then I fear for what this offense could do. Oh and hey Patterson. Nice tuddy. Get off my team.

The defense was a revelation as well. They have been a liability the last two weeks. But just like last year I believe they have the skill, they just need to execute. On Sunday, they did. It helps to get MY BOY Trey Flowers and Patty Chung back. Trey completely anchors the DLine, and while he didn't have a sack, his presence creates sack opportunities for everyone else. And Pat Chung is legit dope. I can't believe I'm typing that, but he is vital cog on this team. I never think I need him until I try to play without him. He's like a condom. Not very expensive, not impressive looking, but when I don't use him the game is over in 2 minutes and someone is pregnant.

HIGH looked wayyyyyyy better this week. Like rom com nerdy girl takes off her glasses and lets her hair down better. We knew it was in there somewhere. So did he. It's easy to stop trying when you get that contract extension and know you're in a committed relationship. Sweatpants are comfy and shaving your legs sucks. But don't be afraid to put on a some lipstick big guy, because you looked hot as hell out there calling the plays and flying around the field. Reminded me why I fell for you in the first place.

I really want to let Jonathan Jones and JC Jackson stretch their wings. They're peacocks and you have to let them fly. I don't hate Eric Rowe as much as your average 'Murph from Southie.' And I thought J-Mac flashed a bit of his ability on Sunday. But Jones was a beast at Auburn who went undrafted but dominated so much in camp we kept him. JC was a beast at Maryland who went undrafted but was such a ball hawk in camp we kept him. JC had a pick on Sunday in only 12 snaps, and it was textbook cornerback-ing. Let the boys play!

One thing that deeply concerned me is I saw a man named John Simon record 5 tackles, including a sack. As this was happening I thought to myself, who is John Simon? Well he is a DE who was drafted in the 4th round of 2013. He's been on three different teams in 5 years, and was signed by the Pats on Wednesday September 26th for less than it costs me to get my dry cleaning. He goes out there 4 days later and has an impact in a near shut out????

Gronk got hurt. Didn't love that. He did what I ask of him if he is going to be completely blanketed all night. And finally others are stepping up. I'm hearing its not serious. Hopefully he can go Thursday, but honestly if we need him to rest we should be able to handle this one on our own. Roberts got hurt. Realllllllly didn't love that. He played a great game I thought, and I need another linebacker to go down like I need my boss to ask me what it is I do here. He was walking gingerly after the game and he feels like a long shot for Thursday.

On the other hand, I heard someone was getting loose at around 7am this morning...

And I very much expect him to be in the fold even with the short week. Guy is fresh as lettuce and needs to make up for lost time.

The one thought I want to leave you with is the same thought I left you with the last two weeks. CALM DOWN. For all the people screaming the sky was falling after Detroit, I have just as many people waving the 'ha ha I told you so!' flag today. Don't be that person. The Dolphins STINK. We sure as shit needed that win, and we played much better football, but that doesn't mean all is well. Lets continue to gel, continue to learn the systems, continue to improve. Because 2-3 going into SNF against the Chiefs doesn't exactly fit into my schedule. It's basically the holidays. I'm busy AF. Go on a little winning streak and I can start talking about the one seed again.

PS Seeing Brady hug Dola at the end of the game legit almost made me cry. If you love something set it free. When it still comes to the Derby with you this May you know it's meant to be.