Do the Pats STINK at signing free agents - A think piece

(Jim Davis/Globe Staff)

The start of this season hasn’t quite gone according to plan. So many predictions and expectations were thrown around to get the blood flowing to the nethers. We were promised solid gold, and so far we’ve been presented with a worthless, steaming pile of cow dung. With the exception of Brandin Cooks, it seems that each and every one of the new Patriot acquisitions this season has been a massive BUST. Which then got me thinking about the fact that Cooks was a trade, whereas the others were signed in free agency. So this begs the question. Does Bill sux dix at signing free agents??

I’m not a hater. Everyone relax. I’m an “In Bill We Trust” kind of guy. There are obvious exceptions to this claim, and I certainly won’t skip over those. But we do need to shine some light on some of the abysmal people who have been brought in. For every BUM there will be a gem.

BUM
Adalius Thomas. 5yrs, 35mil. This guy was supposed to be a red jacket signing. Pro bowl caliber player with speed and strength. He then promptly started sucking at football and being sent home early for missing practice due to a snow storm. He was then released. Guy sucks.
GEM
Rodney Harrison. Hall of Fame Patriot. Amazing player. Part of Tom’s King’s Guard. I’d die for this guy.

 BUM
Shawn Springs. 3 yrs, 10.5 mil. This asshole was brought in to replace Asante “Get Paid” Samuel. This dude was pumping gas at the local Chevron before he could watch another wide out blow past him on a go route.
GEM
Mike Vrabel. The guy got sacks, caught tuddies, and got rings. Another Red Jacket player. Vrabel is the definition of a trash to treasure player, and is an all-around amazing guy.

BUM Jonathan Fanene. 3yrs, 9.85mil. Bill signed this donkey to be a star pass rusher. What Bill didn’t know is that Fanene had the knees of Rickety Cricket and LITERALLY never played a single snap for the Pats.
GEM
Rob Ninkovick. Nink came in to fill Vrabel’s shoes and he did it seamlessly. This guy hardly ever missed a single play in his long time as a patriot. We could use that old workhorse right about now.

In that short line up, I hate to say it feels like the busts outweigh the success stories. With the exception of Harrison, there aren’t a great deal of household football names on Bill’s FA signing list. This gets overlooked because there are monster names that have come in to join the pats in the past. The trick is that they come in via trade. Here’s a short list for you.

Randy Moss – Trade
Wes Welker – Trade
Ted Washington – Trade
Corey Dillon – Trade
Aquib Talib – Trade
Martellus Bennett – Trade
Brandin Cooks – Trade

Those are new players that will make it seem like the Pats know exactly what they’re doing. (Keep in mind there have been plenty of trade busts as well. Ocho Cinco, Fat Albert Haynesworth, trading up for Chad Jackson.) Don’t get me wrong, I trust the process. Sometimes you’re flush and sometimes you’re bust. And when you’re up it’s never as good as it seems. And when you’re down, it seems like you’ve never seen a bigger trash bag of a human trying to parade themselves around as a football player in your entire life. In the past five years I’ve found it hard to see a Belichick free agent signing that I really love.

 Good:
Danny Amendola
Darrelle Revis
Chris Hogan

Bad:
Brandon Browner
Brandon LaFell
Will Smith
Chimdi Checkwa
Donald Brown

Horrid:
Adrian Wilson
Scott Chandler
Travis Cadet
Robert McClain
Tarrell Brown
Terrance Knighton

This list is alarming to say the least. You take a lot of swings in NFL free agency. You can pick up guys hoping they fit, and if they don’t toss them back on the scrap heap. What is mortifying about this list is that the guys in the “Bad” and “Horrid” columns were brought in to be important pieces of the team. News flash, they all SUCKED. The fact that Gilmore, Gillislee, and David Harris (RIP) are all on a fast track to getting New England Patriots Hall of Shame Shit colored jackets is not a good feeling. Maybe Bill can sign Navorro Bowman to work on fixing this trend. Oh wait, the Raiders beat us to it. Sick.