Three things I need: Week 13

I missed this blog last week. As it was Thanksgiving, I was busy stuffing my fat face with turkey, sausage toast, deviled eggs, and other delights. I know how much you all missed me, and for that, I apologize. Let’s get to work.

NUMBER 1. I need this team to stay healthy. This has been a big topic on the blog for the last few weeks, and the problem is only getting more serious. The bodies that have been dropping make this season feel like a Drowning Pool concert. It’s absolutely devastating. Losing Hightower and Edelman means we’re without our most important defensive player and second most important offensive player (that’s a fact. After Tom it’s Jules). After that it’s all salt in the wound. And lately our wounds feel like the fucking Dead Sea.

This offense has been without Jules and Money Mitch all season. Midway through we added Hogan to that list, and now Marty Bennett has joined the cripple club. Red area offense has been an issue this year, and by the grace of god (or another Bill swindle) we were gifted Martellus off the scrap heap, only to see him die two short weeks later. It makes one wonder why we didn’t rest him until playoffs.

Seeing MY BOY Trey Flowers leave the field last week made the ball bag scrunch up like a California raisin. Flowers has emerged as our far and away strongest pass rusher which is something we cannot afford to lose right now. The AFC East gauntlet at the end of the year is always a dangerous time. We end up facing a slew of teams that are dead in the water and are playing for nothing but blood. If the injuries keep up at this rate Bill is going to have to pull a Coach Taylor in his first game with the Dillon Lions.

NUMBER 2. Protect Tom. Like the offensive line’s lives depended on it. I wrote about this in the first few weeks of the year. Things cleaned up big time, but with the black death that is sweeping the Patriots locker room things are getting a bit shaky. Inserting the likes of Karras, Waddle, and Flemming hasn’t exactly been great for Tom. What with Teddy boy sending balls out of a cannon (SICK pun) passed Tom’s unaware head and getting spun like a dreidel (holiday joke) when he should be blocking.

When the news broke last week that TB12 has a sore achilles I think I actually shit myself. Now I have to worry about Tom diving on lose balls because Bebop and Rocksteady don’t know how to block. We’re in the home stretch of the season, wins are important, but keeping Tom protected is priority numero UNO.

NUMBER 3. I need more involvement from Dwayne Allen. To be perfectly honest my mind has been put in a pretzel by Dwayne Allen’s existence. Since the days of the best sitcom on TV, Gronk and the Serial Killer, it’s been clear that the two tight end set was a cash cow for the Patriots. We experimented with that BUM Scott Chandler.

Then Bennett came in and opened all of our eyes to the glory of giving Gronk a Murtaugh. When Marty left to get more money from the cheese heads, we signed Dwayne Allen and I was pissed. Nothing about a former Colt has or ever will excite me. He was an underachieving, injury prone tight end with a drop problem. Still though, part of me wanted to be proven wrong. I wanted to believe in the world where Tom and Bill gave Dwayne a sip of Michael’s Secret Stuff and I get to watch him become a threat. A threat, he has not been.

The flaccid penis that has been Dwayne Allen’s season has shown signs of life in the past couple of weeks. He caught his first tuddy (and catch) as a Patriot in week 10, and he’s had at least one reception in the 2 weeks since. With Marty officially going to Davey Jones’ locker, I have to imagine the McOffense will keep trying to get Dwayne more involved. The thing that wrinkles my brain most about all of this is that Tom and Bill seem to love the guy. Brady has nothing but good things to say about him, and if you listen to the mic’d up video of Bill from the Miami game, you’ll hear him showering praise on Dwayne for his block recognition on the Burkhead tuddy.

There’s got to be a little football player in that bulbous body somewhere trying to get out. I say it’s about time we find it and start teaching him to catch more balls.