Sometimes it’s hard not to sit back and look at the end result of a Patriots football game and just wish that you cared less. To the casual fan, that was one of the more dynamite games you’ll ever see. Huge plays, crazy calls, and last-minute fireworks. To some, it’s exactly what makes sports so entertaining. To most of us, it’s what doctor’s will site when referencing our high blood pressure issues and just one of many occurrences on a long list that lead to our inevitable aneurysm.
We all knew this game was going to be tough. The last few weeks have had the bloodletting feel of the first 5 weeks of the season. With the bodies that Baphomet has pulled onto the death list, there was very little to make me believe this game would be an enjoyable experience. Thankfully the Dark Lord pulled out his bag of souls as we ripped the life out of the Steelers once more.
BEST WEEK EVER
Gronk won this game plain and simple. His ability to create separation and continue drives is truly mind blowing. The juxtaposition of Sunday night vs. the Miami game was astounding. Simply put, without Jules and Hogan in the squad, Gronk IS our third down offense. On the day, Gronk had 9 catches for 168 yards, but it honestly felt like 20 for 300. The guy was genuinely unstoppable.
Gronk was a monster the entire game, but the second half was simply unfair. From the start of the 3rd quarter he was just absolutely beasting people on his routes. It started with a seam rout that Brady perfectly dropped over Gronk’s should for a gain of about 23, and that was shortly followed by the HUGE 4th and 1 conversion in the 3rd quarter that Gronk reeled in in the middle of traffic. After that things started getting out of hand. Gronk had 4 catches in the 3rd quarter alone, and rolled that right into the 2 minute drill in the 4th. Once Gronk started jumping up after catches looking full Hulkimania, I knew the Steelers were dead.
Gronk capped off his 3 catches in the final 2 minutes by making a circus catch where he pulled the ball off the turf that you could only fit about an index card under (see what I did there??? RIP in peace Raiders fans) to set up DIDI for the touchdown.
Pour one out for Sean Davis. This poor bastard was stuck covering Gronk all day long and things didn’t exactly go swimmingly for him. On top of getting harassed up and down the field, this guy was the idiot fool who dropped a sure interception at the beginning of the final drive for the Pats. Davis was already drenched in humiliation after that moment, but the universe really wanted to rub his nose in it. After getting trounced by Gronk all drive, Dwayne Allen put a 5-thousand-ton block in Davis’s ear canal on the DIDI touchdown. Davis peeled himself off the ground only to lineup on Gronk in isolation on the 2 pt conversion. In that scenario, it’s either a slant or a fade. Davis guessed slant, and he is possibly still floating around in limbo after getting beat the way he did. Ts and Ps to Sean Davis. He got in the way of Rob Gronkowski when he was going full turbo.
WORST WEEK EVER
Imagine being a Pittsburgh Steeler, or Mike Tomlin, or really any Steelers fan. It would be the most dejected life I could possibly fathom every single time the Patriots rolled into town. My initial reaction to that loss was to say Mike Tomlin was a shoe in for worst week ever. Then I met this guy…
Someone send this man help IMMEDIATELY. This poor asshole is the most miserable piece of shit I’ve ever seen in my life. This sad sap wakes up everyday laboring at a different construction site laying brick, just thinking about how the Patriots are going to fuck him. He drags himself to his miserable job and just tries to get through the day without jumping into the cement mixer. You have to imagine he blames every bad thing that happens over the course of the day on a member of the Patriots. He accidentally jams his thumb while moving a cinder block… “Tom Brady, you shit bag!!”
The way he slurs and repeats his go to cusses and phrases is hysterical. This is a man stuck in an endless cycle of despair. On Sunday this guy puts on his trusty Steelers shirt and sweatpants, and just wants to plop down into his recliner and pray to god the Steelers get a win. Instead, he’s surrounded by morons who would rather film his rapidly declining mental health than watch the game. I mean how sick do you have to be to do that to this guy?
The excitement in this guy’s body language after the JuJu catch and run is pure, unadulterated joy. It’s like a child who gets the perfect Christmas present and just starts shaking with excitement. To see that happiness evaporate into a bowl of his wife Carol’s low fat hummus, and then get hurled onto the living room wall, was crippling. The sad fact that this man will go through this exact situation in about a month when we see them in the yoffs is truly cruel. There aren’t enough chips and serving bowls in the world for this man to smash. God speed.
Official David Harris Snap Count through week 15: 182
Weekly “Is David Harris alive?”: Icing his ankles due to excessive Le’Veon Bell