John's Well-Educated Guesses: Patriots at Lions

Awesome Jelly
Turn on that faucet and let the water run like you're drawing a bath for a baby, because here comes some lukewarm takes right into your tub. Some people like a good surprise. I don’t. If you want to watch the game with no stress then read on, because my takes are always right. Buckle up buckaroo.

I got news for you. This is gonna be a bloooooooooooood bath. The Lions STINK. They got dummied by the Jets in week 1, and for those keeping score at home the Jets just lost to the Browns after having a 14 point lead. The Browns hadn't wont a football game since Nam. Ignoring the fact that Baker Mayfield is potentially da god, that's not a good look.

The Lions followed that up by losing to the Niners, who SPOILER ALERT! are not a good a football team. Its super early, and I'm ready for these words to get shoved back down my throat, but the jury is still out on Jimmy IMHFO. Last year he went on his little run, and he because this darling of the football world. People wanted heads on spikes outside of The Razor for trading away the next generational QB. I urged the masses to be patient. Let teams get some game tape on the young padawan and then see what happens. So far in 2018? He has a completion percent of 55% with 3 tuddies and 3 picks. It's only two games, and he played a great D on the road, but he's not exactly the guy I want taking the place of the GOAT while he's in the middle of his second prime.

NOTE: I just invented the term second prime, like literally on the spot. As I was typing. It is GENIUS. Tom is having a second prime. Never seen anything like this before. You will see this again as athletes continue to reinvent themselves as they age. Now you will know what to call it.

Fat Matt Patricia and his beard are manning the sidelines in Detroit these days as you all know. He started that job February 3rd 2018, because he certainly wasn't the defensive coordinator for the Pats the following Sunday. His body may have been in Minnesota but his brain was in Detroit. People are saying to me "JO, Matty P knows our offense! He knows our calls! He knows how to stop us!"  Grow up Peter Pan. In the ever changing NFL the only thing that has become crystal clear to me over the first two weeks is we have found the culprit for the implosion of the Pats defense in the Super Bowl. It was the dude with the pencil that's been surgically attached behind his ear.

If Fat Matt knows our calls then we know his. We're gonna mix it up, obviously, and so is he. But Tom knows his philosophy. He's spent the last 6 years shitting on said philosophy at practice. Anne Frankly, the personnel in Detroit just isn't there. Matty P can only play the hand he's been dealt. And after seeing what he did with decent cards in New England, my recommendation on this one is to fold 'em.

Plus, this is Tom Brady after a loss we're talking about. In his career he's 29-10 after losing the previous week. 19-3 when that second game is on the road. (Undefeated when he's the under dog in Vegas. LOL) The guy has only had TEN losing streaks in his life. I've had more more birdies than that in my life and I have a handicap of 87 (number approx.) Low key stat: 29-10 is a winning percentage of 74%. Tom's all time winning percentage is 77%. So he's not actually any better after a loss, we just always win, but work with me here!

This team needs a blowout win. This team will get a blow out win.

Prediction: Going with a similar one from last week, but only because I think it's important. No turnovers for the offense. We took strides in the right direction, going from 3 to 1, but now I need to see that drop to 0. Take care of your luggage.  The Lions D is a joke. Show them the punchline.

Prediction: It's the return of the pass rush! Week 1, we had 3 sacks and 12 QB hits. Last week, 0 sacks and I'm not sure if we breathed on Bortles. Look, I think the Lions are going to score a few more points than people want. I hiiiiiighly doubt Chung or MY BOY Trey Flowers will play due to concussion. That significantly hurts the defense and the latter is the anchor of the pass rush. But I still say we get to Stafford. He goes down 3 times on Sunday.

Prediction: JOSH GORDON WILL DRESS. JOSH GORDON WILL SEE THE FIELD. AND JOSH GORDON.....will not be targeted. Not changing the world with this one, and I hope I'm wrong. At the very most he will see limited action, and I hope in that action he gets some red zone snaps and hauls in a tuddy on a back shoulder throw at the pylon. But I fear with his slight hamstring injury plus his complete lack of playbook knowledge, I don't see Tom looking his way the few times he IS on the field.

Prediction: The Pats win 34-20 going away. In a game that's only close immediately following the opening kick off, our boys run the Lions out of their own building. Hopefully Al Michaels takes the Pats and the over. Enjoy SNF!