Fantasy Fix: Week 7 Recap - 5 Up/5 Down

Week 7 in the NFL was one of pure carnage. Cue Metallica’s “Damage Inc.” and open up WebMD in another window. It was a rough week with big-name players left battered, broken, concussed and crying. Who does Dr. James Andrews visit first? 

The Bucs’ Doug Martin is out for the year with a torn labrum. So much for that number one pick. 

The Colts’ Reggie Wayne suffered a season-ending torn ACL.  So much for 189 straight games, Reg. 

The Rams’ Sam Bradford is gone for the season with the same knee injury. In the Fantasy Football world, ACL stands for: All Championships Lost. 

Jay Cutler pulled his groin and no amount of Kristin Cavallari massaging is going to fix it.

Philly’s former favorite son Nick Foles appears finished and is sitting in a dark room with his drool cup after suffering the dreaded “C” word the NFL hates to hear – concussion. 

Packers tight end Jermichael Finley went down with his second serious head injury this season and spent the night in the ICU singing “It’s a Small World” thinking he was at Disney World. 

Arian Foster pulled a hamstring, Brian Cushing broke his leg, Lance Briggs is out with a fractured shoulder, Champ Bailey hurt his foot again and Peyton Manning’s forehead is the color of a baboon’s ass. Oh, it always looks like that? Never mind.
With so many roster shattering  injuries, let’s hook up the morphine drip and check the Fantasy Fix Five Up/Five Down for Week 7.

Five Up
1. The Crown Royal Reign On Player of the Week: Andrew Luck, 30.02 fantasy points: Luck completed 21-of-38 passes for 228 yards and three touchdowns. He also scrambled for 30 yards and another score. Peyton who? 
2. Matt Forte, 28.90 points: Forte rushed 16 times for 91 yards with three touchdowns. The Bears running back scored on a nifty 50-yarder, but it was his two goal line scores that are really his *puts pinky to mouth* forte.
3. Calvin Johnson, 27.50 points: Johnson caught nine passes for 155 yards and two touchdowns. What knee injury? Megatron is a machine.
4. Andy Dalton, 27.48 points: The Red Rifle completed 24-of-34 passes for 372 yards and three touchdowns. He’s 65% owned. Now 66%. Good job.
5. Robert Griffin III, 27.32 points: Griffin passed for 298 yards, rushed for 84 yards and threw 2 TDs. This is the RGIII we drafted early. Now get my team out of this 3-4 hole or I’m going all Gillooly on that knee!

Five Down
5. Larry Fitzgerald, 1.70 points: Fitzgerald caught two passes for 17 yards. After the game, Fitzy asked coach Bruce Arians if Carson Palmer was going to stay the starting quarterback. When Arians said “yes” Fitzgerald called Chick-fil-A and asked if they were hiring.
4. Trent Richardson, 1.70 points: Richardson rushed for 37 yards on 14 carries. T-Rich is making my team T-Poor. I’d say sell high but anyone wanting Richardson probably is already.
3. Arian Foster, 1.10 points: Foster had four carries for 11 yards then pulled his hammy. I prefer pulled pork, but pulled ham might be tasty. I dig on swine.
2. C.J. Spiller, 0.70 points: Spiller was held to 11 yards on six carries and caught three passes for -4 yards. Remember that time we argued over whether to draft Spiller or Jamaal Charles? Good times. *puts bullet in gun, spins chamber, holds to head*
1. Jay Cutler, 0.12 points: Cutler threw for 28 yards and an interception then tore his groin. He’ll be sidelined a minimum of four weeks. “Torn groin”? My nether regions hurt just typing that. More morphine, please. Sweet delicious morphine.

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