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I was supposed to go on a mini vacation last weekend. Nothing crazy. But I was going to visit a friend who rides or dies with the Pats with me. He flew to me during the Pats Falcons Super Bowl, and I'm convinced me not flying to see him during the Eagles game is what cost us a back to back. It was his birthday last weekend so we were gonna get into some debauchery, golf, and watch the Pats Sunday before I flew home. Perfect, right?

About a month ago when I was about to book the trip I get called into my boss's office. Turns out some things are changing around the company, and I'm going to need to pick up some of the slack. Part of that "slack" included working on Sunday November 11th. Ummmmm, I got news for ya buddy. I don't work on Sundays. I don't work on Veterans Day (observed) Monday. And I sure as shit don't work on actual Veterans Day Sunday. What kind of anti American psychopath would ever ask me to do so? Needless to say, they said I can show up with a smile on my face and ask for more weekend shifts, or I can ask reception for a cardboard box for my things. I've been at the office all day today and I was at the office yesterday starting at 230pm.

Not only did the job ruin my mini vacation, which I had to cancel, but also it was going to cost me the second half of the Pats game. I was livid. By the time this game ended I could have kissed work on the lips. IMAGINE if I was getting on a plane Sunday night, hungover AF, flying back home after that absolute dumpster fire, knowing I had to grab a few hours of sleep before dragging my ass into work this morning. I think I legit jump out of the plane no chute as soon as we hit cruising altitude.

So while work did save my life this weekend, it did cost me the second half of this game. That ended up being a blessing in disguise, but it has robbed me of my expert level of analysis you've come to expect. I couldn't record the game either because I'm a streamer, which means yes I watch most games at least 2 plays behind and they get ruined for me via text message by all my friends.


Enough complaining, we do what we can, on to the actual football. Can we even call it that? What was I watching?? This game was a layup. The Titans are not good. Their defense can hang a bit, but their secondary sucks so it was set up for us to shred. Plus our defense just held Aaron Rodgers to 17 points. Surely we weren't going to give up 17 to Super Mariota in the FIRST QUARTER! But we sure did. After that loss we are so fucking fucked on home field we don't even know how fucked we are. I mean I think we are the most fucked people I know.

There's an interesting dynamic at play with home field. If you are a team that KNEADS home field because you can't win on the road to save your life, you don't win enough on the road during the regular season to get home field. But if you are a 14-2 WAGON who couldn't give a shit about home field throughout, you get it. We are usually the latter. This year, we are the former. We have been buffed and polished by the Jags, the LIONS, and now the middling Titans on the road. We're 1-3 with a win over the Bears, which only came after we went down a billy and pulled out an ugly one.

Do you think this team can go into Arrowhead in January and win? The last time we were there Trent Dilfer hosted our funeral. And while he was V wrong that day, we did get our Vs kicked on national television. Not exactly where I want to return on Championship Sunday. I just don't see the Chiefs losing two more games, anne frankly I'm not even sold that we win out at this point. This team reeks of 12-4 and it makes me sick. And then where does that put us?? The Chargers are 7-2. The Steelers are 6-2-1 with a head to head vs us coming up in their barn. The Texans are 6-3 for crying out loud. And if we don't get a first round bye you can put on a bow on the 2018 season and then ship it straight to hell.

After the Lions game I whined to a friend of mine that I hate facing the Belichick coaching tree. I was promptly laughed at, because almost of all of Bill's descendants have gone on to have truly horrible NFL head coaching careers. And this is true. But for whatever reason when we play against them they give us the hardest time. I'm sure it's some kind of father/son stepping out of the shadow thing going on.


These guys try so hard to beat the old man they put everything they have into it. And it works! McDick beat us. Mangina beat us, Fat Matt piped us, and now Mike Juice Vrabel. Can't say I love it, but I do get it. I used to shoot hoops with my dad in the backyard all the time, always trying to beat him. I knew I would never be a man until it happened. The only question I have for these Belichick saplings is if they also ran to their room and cried themselves to sleep after they won.

So what went wrong? At least in the first half that I saw. I don't know, everything? So many people regressed. The Packers game wasn't perfect by any means, but with a bye looming this felt like an incredible opportunity to ride a win streak into the break. Leave it all on the field for 60 minutes knowing you've got a vacation coming up. Turns out the boys decided to clock out a few days before vacation because those emails are going to be someone else's problem come Monday when you're up to your eyeballs in daiquiris. Stars, they're just like us!

My favorite play of the day by far was the Harmon dropped interception. Harmon is one of the few reach draft picks that I haven't declared war against. Usually I want these people dead. The Jordan Richards of the world. But Harmon, against all odds, turned himself into a leader back there in the secondary. He's skill isn't all world, but he's available and consistent, and has enough game ending interceptions on his resume to get a seat at my Thanksgiving table any year he wants. It's a good time. The stuffing is store bought but the hot apple cider bowl is spiked with whiskey. However, I can NOT turn a blind eye to what I saw him do yesterday. I don't care if there was DPI that would have wiped out the pick anyway. That ball HAS to be caught. I can't cap that word hard enough. What if this was a close game? Or a playoff game? My unborn son could have caught that ball and he is currently a sperm with no arms or opposable thumbs. I wish the entire team just packed it in after that play. It clearly wasn't gonna be our day.

The other major disappointment in the secondary was Gilmore. He has been a true #1 beast all year. I don't have enough nice things to say about the guy. He isn't Revis in his prime, but rarely do I ever worry about him on an island against a team's number one WR. That being said I was admittedly concerned about Corey Davis coming into the game. That's due to a combination of two things. One, I declared this dude the fantasy sleeper of the decade last year. I'm never wrong, so I know the talent is in there. Two, I still have PTSD of watching him diarrhea all over Malcolm in the playoffs, which essentially killed Malcolm Butler. All he has done since then is be so bad at football he got benched, costing me a super bowl, then sign a huge free agent deal to be one of the worst cover guys in the league. So yea, Corey can hunt and I didn't want another death on my hands.

Only time will tell if Gilmore can survive the reckless and violent attack that he suffered on Sunday. Blood everywhere. Children crying. People screaming in the streets. I heard he was battling a cold, but it better have been a Contagion level illness. Davis went for 7 and 125 with a tuddy. And the tuddy was the most aggressive 'I've been torched' pass interference committed all year and he still caught it. Gilmore was trailing behind every route, was late on his hip turns, and did about as well making up ground as I do when I fall a season behind on a show. It's gone. Just let it go.

On the other side of the ball our receivers were blanketed by some of the worst DBs employed by the National Football League. Flash Gordon looked like he was trying to give the ball an oily rub down instead of catch it. I've seen porns with less petting than that. And those were just the times he stayed on his feet long enough to be near the pass. Jules was OK, his stat line jumps out at you, but it's more the plays that don't go to him that bother me.

Tom was off Sunday, I won't lie to you. He yanked a few throws. He looked confused in the pocket. But our OLine was banged up and struggling, and NO ONE WAS OPEN. When it's 3rd and 4 or less Jules should be open every single time. That's not greedy. It's a fact. Or teams can triple cover him which means someone else is open. How many third and shorts did I see where Tom is sitting back there, then has to side step a rush, then fires a ball at the feet of a WR who was so close to a Titan I thought they were doing a Stuck On You impression.

And again, I brought this up last week. Chris Hogan. My guy. What in the actual fuck are you doing? Another 54 snaps which is 82% of the plays. Jules had 54 and Flash had 55. Then you've got Flip at 15 snaps or 23%. Flip had 2 catches on 2 targets for 18 yards. Hogan had ZERO catches on 1 target for the second week in a row. Is he blocking well? Because otherwise this makes little to no sense to me. Bill has usually been a 'what have you done for me lately' kinda guy. So unless Hoags is flat out balling at practice I need to see this playing time reduced. Flip isn't a savior. But Tom seems to like him. And he must have an understanding of the offense at this point. I just refuse to believe he can't do what Chris Hogan is doing. Especially if that's trot out on the field for most of the game and not be looked at once by Tom. I mean give me a break. The problem is either Tom is too locked in on other guys and he is missing Hoags, or Hoags isn't open and Tom can't go to him. Considering one dude is a college lacrosse player and one dude is the greatest quarterback to ever live who only throws to the open man, I know which way I'm leaning.

Hey DIDI, kick rocks brotha. We had fun together. Why does every relationship have to end so badly? Can't we be friends? You were ready to settle down, we weren't. It's not fair to hate me for that. Can you be sad, of course. We were sad too! But you pick your chin up and move on with your life. We found some young 20 something who is a cheap date and we're 4 years away from even discussing moving in together but we will see how it goes. And you found someone who was ready to commit to you. We're happy for you. Must you gloat? Especially when your new S.O. is a soft 6 and you know deep down we're a hard 9. You just happen to catch us on laundry day. Don't think we'll soon forget those things you said.

Another week of some tough injuries. From the sounds of things nothing is serious. But when I got out of work and checked my phone I had 8 million texts informing me that we got crushed, Jules got hurt, and Trent Brown got hurt. Again, not serious, we PRAE, but the bye is coming at a crucial time. We have a lot to fix and we have a lot of guys we need healthy. Shaq Mason is part of this too. And while this offense really needs Jules, as evidenced by the first four weeks of the season, we need Trent Brown to go down like we need a kidney stone. That guy has been the move of the offseason, and I don't say that lightly, because neither is he.

On the return from injury front it looks like Sexy Rexy and Duke Dawson are primed to be our two designated to return guys. I'm thrilled about Duke. I wanted him so badly out of Florida, and I'm excited to see what he can do in the slot. I gotta say though, I like our DBs. It will be interesting who he can beat out. And Rex is, I don't know, good? I think? At the very least he's another running back so if/when the PlayStation dies again we don't have to run CP.

Final PSA of the night. Don't ever throw the ball to Brady again. Ever. Like ever ever. It's not just that other teams feel the need to run the exact same play in our eye ball every time. It's not just that the last three games we've throw to him we've lost. It's that he looks like a such a tool every time we do it. When he scrambles and he's running in molasses there is something endearing about the visual. When he's dropping touch passes and tripping over himself he looks like a dad at a church camp two hand touch game humiliating his son. And I can't have that. That is all.

Johnny O 11/12/2018 09:44:00 PM Edit
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