This weekend was like a bachelor party with zero regrets
We've all heard of, know who or are THAT guy. The guy who may have done something out of character while attending a gathering. I'll tell ya, I've been to my share of said gatherings aplenty. Now I'm not saying I'm perfect, I'm far from it in fact, besides the size 52 chest, 22 inch biceps, tree trunk legs and devilishly good looks. Anyways, from experience, there's a guy who shows up to a bachelor party, usually a friends friend, cousin, brother etc. Now this hypothetical gentleman, let's call, oh I don't know, Steve. Steve maybe got married a little young, had kids young, never really got to "let loose" with the boys. Steve sees the camaraderie between bros, wants in on the brodom. Steve drinks a little too much, does other things too much, maybe partakes in illegal activity and is instantly the life of the party. He becomes a legend. Steve, the cul de sac crusader, is now known as Syphilis Steve. Boom, regret for having arguably the best time of his life he'll never remember.
Now, this weekend we had all the highs of a bachelor party, but now instead instant laughter every time you see Steve, the night's still going, and the syphilis never happened. We wake up to the next day, no hangover, bank account is not empty and you still fell like the best looking, toughest guy on the planet. I fully expected to be banned from Twitter this past Saturday with all the things I was saying to the dickheads who their only reply was to call the Patriots cheaters. Look, I'm passionate yet tolerant, but if you cannot come up with something clever and your only response to Patriots greatness is "cheaters," you'll get the wrath of 100 Mrs Syphilis Steve's from me junior. At least make me laugh. Don't sit in your room, playing "Everybody Hurts" by R.E.M, wiping away tears on your terrific yellow towel you may call terrible, typing c.h.e.a.t.e.r.s. It ain't gonna justify anything in the real world, only in your stupid head. Look in the mirror, you'll have an epiphany, skinny jeans do not look good on you, your beard isn't really a beard at all, and it's way too goddamn hot to be wearing that beanie. Your participation trophy you got for football when you were 12 means jack because you lost every game and you sucked so bad, that 0-9 team wouldn't play you. Be better. Oh, and Antonio Brown didn't even play and your Steelers lost 33-3 to your worst nightmare. I say this as inspiration not because I'm better than you, I'm way better than you, and you and football don't mix.
I lyrically perform armed robbery, follow me on Twitter @tc1three